This video was made for this blog. Budget playeration station, son.
Remember that scene from As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson tells Helen Hunt that she makes him want to take his pills so he can be a better man? And she thought that was hella romantic. These lines follow that same strand of thought:
1. “Girl, you make me want to get a job.”
2. “Girl, you make me want to shower more than once a week.”
3. “Girl, you make me want to move out my mom’s place. So she can’t hear us when we have sex.”
4. “Girl, if it weren’t for you, I’d probably have committed a hate crime against your people already. I love you!”
5. “Girl, you make me want to delete some of my porn. Mostly the stuff with girls who aren’t as hot as you.”
6. “Girl, you make me want to believe in monogamy. But I don’t. Now meet my second wife.”
7. “Girl, you make me want to get my GED.”
8. “Girl, you make me want to fix that passenger side airbag you’re sitting in front of right now.”
If you’re non-white, for hollering at a white girl:
“C’mon, let’s go out. You know halfsie kids are the cutest. Think of the kids!”
Hollering at a white girl, if you’re black:
1. “I know I can’t get 40 acres, but can a brotha get some dinner? At least a Jumbo Jack combo meal or something? …… I’ll even give you the mule afterwards.”
2. “Girl, you’re like cotton. I’ll always pick you.”
From a white girl to her black boyfriend:
“How do you feel about whips? …… I mean in the bedroom. Hey, don’t look at me like that!”
From a Chinese dude to a white girl:
“If you were thousands of miles away, I’d build a railroad leading straight to your heart just to be with you.”
“Girl, we go together like hoisin sauce and sriracha. Now let’s go put some flavor into life’s bowl of phở.”
“Girl, you make me want to take the MSG out of my diet.”
“You put the 3 mầu in my chè.”
“You’re the song that’s stuck in my head.”
“You’re the song running in my head and I got a one-track mind.”
“You put the grooves in my vinyl.”
“Girl, you’re like the hidden bonus track in my life’s album …… y’know, because my wife doesn’t know about you.”
“Girl, I’m the Democratic Party and you’re Ted Kennedy. You complete me.”
“…… And without you, I’m lost.”
For hollering at immigrants (somewhat inspired by Jordan’s comment):
“Ayo, you wanna become an American citizen? Marry me!”
Or if you really wanna be a dick:
“You wanna go out? No? How about if I call Immigration on your undocumented ass? Oh yeah? Great! I’ll pick you up at 6. Can’t wait!”
For Asian immigrants:
“Girl, you look as fresh to def as you are fresh off the boat.”
For when you’re thinking fast like Ramadan:
“I could fast for years because your love satisfies me completely.”
“I’ll have to fast forever considering you’re the sunshine in my life.”
“If fasting meant I couldn’t partake of the delicious fruits of your mind, body, and soul, I’d abandon my religion.”
Or if you just wanna be real blunt about:
“Hold up, can I still eat you out during the day? Nah? Then fuck Islam.”
For hollering at that “friend” who you’ve been trying to get at:
“Ayo, you wanna pick out an HMO together? So we can be friends with benefits.”
Variations:
a. “Let’s look into a 401k for each of us. So we can be friends with benefits.”
b. “Ayo girl, I got you a dental plan. You need to clean your teeth pretty bad. Also, let’s be friends with benefits.”
“You make all the other girls around you look like mere muggles.”
Dedicated to the reader who submitted this gem:
“did you say lucius maximus? because you light up my life.”
